NFC: No F'in Chance?
Does the NFC still pale in comparison to the quality of play in the AFC? Will the Eagles make the Super Bowl again? Are you sick of T.O.? Do you care at all?
Here's Jake...
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles (13-3) – So if you’ve been reading, you realize that I think T.O.isa huge bitch, whether he deserves the money or not. T(icked) O(ff) will still come and play, thrive on the controversy and hog McNabb’s limelight. And how about a round of applause for the mainstream media for continuing to plug this unnecessary bullshit? There are exhilarating MLB pennant races abound and America is infatuated with T.O.’s menstrual cycle. And I’m not even going to get into Drew Rosenhaus, who needs like a lifetime supply of Seasonal. We’re not all 13 anymore. Seriously. ANYWAY…There’s still a helluva team there. Brian Westbrook is more multifaceted than an Ipod-infused microwave. Jevon Kearse will get his freak on (God, I can’t believe I went there. I feel like such a follower. I don’t like EMO. Fuck buying clothes at Walmart.) Brian Dawkins still gives receivers the crabapple-mcnasties, word to MAD TV circa 1995. Actually, I wouldn’t mind Dawkins giving it to T.O. during practice one day, turning this McNabb proclaimed soap opera into “General Hospital.” But that won’t happen and the Iggle soapie—award for the most mindless drama during pigskin programming—will go all 8 mile on us in January. Can’t you just see it, “I’m Michelle Tafoya, coming live to you from the Eagle locker room. It’s about an hour before the big game kicks off and Donovan is clipping T.O.’s fingernails. Al, it’s truly amazing how far these two have come!”
*New York Giants (8-8) – The maturation of Eli Manning continues. Plaxico Burress adds another weapon to go with Amani Toomer and Jeremy Shockey. (Anyone else think it was hilarious that Shockey ended up with a 666 receiving yards last season? Satan is blond!) If those three live up to their potential, Tom Coughlin might have his army thinking playoffs. Michael Strahan is back from injury, anchoring a decent defense. Shout out to my main man Ryan Grant, the fiercest competitor I’ve ever shared a court with, who is trying to make the team as the 4th running back. Soak up all the Tiki you can, keep being a sponge and things will work out. I’m going to be stupid and say the Giants are this year’s lucky 8-8 NFC team to make the playoffs.
Dallas Cowboys (7-9) – You wonder how The Tuna gets up and goes to work everyday. What makes the man with health problems and a great track record feel like he needs to resurrect Drew Bledose’s career? Great coaches need challenges. And with Keyshwan and Terry Glenn aging, it’s going to be tough. There’s no great back to place the burden on in Big D. Julius Jones had a few good games last year, but is overrated. Actually, I’m just still pissed that he took Ryan’s job at Norte Dame two years ago. Regardless, this squad isn’t very good and some heated press conferences are going to be all the rage, pun intended, in Big D. Washington
Redskins (6-10) – Wasted talent galore last season. The Skins look tofinally turn a new page, hoping to get the most out of Clinton Portis and Patrick Ramsey. Santana Moss will complain less than Laverneus Coles. The D is still pretty stacked. But really, Joe Gibbs should just race cars because the Skins need an extreme makeover. Talent alone doesn’t win jack in the NFL. If that was the case, the Skins and Saints would be perennial contenders.
NFC North
Minnesota Vikings (9-7) – The Vikings are less Randy than Austin Powers after he lost his mojo. And, amazingly, that’s not even that problematic. Watch Daunte Culpepper spread the ball with ease. He’ll put it down and take it himself with more frequency and success, as well. Nate Burelson, welcome to the limelight. Did you even know it existed while Randy was here? The secondary is a force, led by new acquisition Fred Smoot and Antoine Winfield. Nine wins is enough in the weak Norris. A healthy Michael Bennett is key.
Detroit Lions (8-8) – Joey Harrington and Jeff Garcia get fight for the right to throw to a plethora of uber-talented young receivers. Rookie Mike Williams should show no ill-effects from his year off and Roy Williams will continue to dazzle. Charles Rogers, when healthy, is slept on. Second year tailback Kevin Jones should benefit from the offensive ability that defines their passing game. R.W. McQuarters and Dre Bly are standout corners on a defense that lacks the ability to push the Lions to the playoffs. At least they should have good seats to the SuperBowl.
Green Bay Packers (7-9) – D-Lineman Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila is a sack party. Opposing QB’s and O-Lineman are welcome to watch him celebrate. Aside from his presence, everything else seems older at Lambeau…because, well, it is. Once healthy cheese is now turning moldy, though we should still admire Brett Favre for continuing to throw rockets despite numerous health hazards.
Chicago Bears (5-11) – The addition of Muhsin Muhammad and a relatively light schedule will net them a few wins. Rex isn’t in effect after breaking his ankle in the pre-season, which means Chad Hutchinson, who is the answer to nothing, takes the helm. Look for a few exciting moments from RB Cedric Benson—that is when opposing defenses don’t stack 8 in the box because Hutch doesn’t scare anybody. If Hutch got Starsky and Huggy Bear to man a weak offensive line, they might win the SnooperBowl. That’s right, I went there.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons (13-3) – Michael Vick has another year under his belt and that’s just trouble for anyone who is going to try and stop him. Michael Jenkins looks poised to break out after stepping ahead of Peerless Price on the depth chart. Alge Crumpler continues to be a pass catching vacuum. CB Deangelo Hall should really shine in his first full season of receiver lockdown. Keith Brooking is the rock that holds the defense together and he should be just as solid this season, 5th straight Pro Bowl type solid. Look for these birds to prey on the NFC all the way to a title game rematch with some other birds of prey.
*Carolina Panthers (11-5) – Julius Peppers is just amazing. He’ll win them a game or two by himself. As much as the phrase “making plays” is the most overrated linguistic “footballism” EVER, Peppers is one of those guys who makes it acceptable to hear [pick your least favorite broadcaster] ramble on about “football is about making plays” without saying anything specific. Peppers, Ray Lewis, Ed Reed are the only guys in that category. I don’t wanna hear about anybody else “making plays because he’s a great player.” Jake Delhomme is a survivor, and he’ll deal adequately with the loss of Muhammad. Deshaun Foster will open some eyes, possibly in the postseason, a place the Panthers should find themselves as long as they don’t lose the first part of the season to injuries again.
New Orleans Saints (8-8) – If you’ve written a Saints preview, you’ve written a thousand Saints previews.
Mediocrity (Webster’s version)–
1. The state or quality of being mediocre. Example: New Orleans Saints franchise.
2. Mediocre ability, achievement, or performance. Example: Late season swoon in New Orleans.
3. One that displays mediocre qualities. Example: Aaron Brooks, Deuce McAllister, Joe “can you hear my ego now?” Horn when placed in a situation filled with pressure.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12) – Sweet stadium. Note to Derrick Brooks: get traded. Since you won’t be winning anything, could you guys find Doc Gooden for me please? I need to talk to him. Thanks.
NFC West (I can’t convey how disappointing it is write almost an entire NFL preview and then come to the NFC West at the end. I’m really sad right now.)
St. Louis Rams (10-6) – Talk about taking advantage of a crappy division. Did the Rams really make the second round of the playoffs last year? The Falcons essentially got two byes and then the Eagles. Steven Jackson will take over for Marshall Faulk and do a good job. The offense will continue to roll, but won’t even come close to approaching “The Greatest Show on Turf” levels. Lenard Little and Bryce Fisher are better than the rest of the defense indicates. And Pisa Tinoisamoa led the team in tackles. I didn’t know Italian paintings hit hard either.
Seattle Seahawks (8-8) – Shaun Alexander is another victim of Running Back marginalization. If you keep telling me that Matt Hasselback is your fantasy quarterback, I will stop being friends with you. (You know who you are. Actually, about 67 people are worried I’m not going to be friends with them anymore, which amazing because I only have like 12 friends.) Nobody is making the same mistake by picking the Seahawks again this year to be a sleeper team. Seattle is NFL purgatory.
Arizona Cardinals (5-11) – Can the NFL keep J.J. Arrington, Larry Fitzgerald, and Anquan Boldin and send the rest of the team to NFL Europe? (How fun would it be to throw those 3 guys on the Redskins and watch them still miss the playoffs?) I mean, Rick Reilly already devoted an entire column to the Cards. Would you show up at a party after getting an acid facial?
San Francisco 49ers (3-13) – R.I.P. Thomas Herroin. Good luck Alex Smith. You’ll need it. Yeah, the Niners pretty much suck.
NFC Chip: Eagles over Falcons
AFC Chip: Colts over Jets
AFC MVP: LaDanian Tomlinson
NFC MVP: Donovan McNabb
Deee-troit FOOTBALL – Colts over Eagles
Snooperbowl: Long Beach 12 year olds over Bears
(Note: I’m sure all of these picks are going to be way off.)
After Jake sent this to me, he asked me what my Super Bowl prediction was. After thinking about it, I went with New England-Minnesota. If you read the Sports Guy, you're familiar with the Peyton Manning Face and the Ewing Theory.
As I said, that was my fifteen second take on it. It can't possibly be any more wrong than that time freshman year where I spent two hours writing up an email with in depth baseball playoff predictions (I'm talking analyzing each matchup, down to the World Series) and end of season awards, only to have my computer die and lose it.
Maybe it was for the best, seeing as how if I remember correctly, every single pick was wrong.
In any event, it should be fun to look back at this in January. Or maybe not.
Here's Jake...
NFC East
Philadelphia Eagles (13-3) – So if you’ve been reading, you realize that I think T.O.isa huge bitch, whether he deserves the money or not. T(icked) O(ff) will still come and play, thrive on the controversy and hog McNabb’s limelight. And how about a round of applause for the mainstream media for continuing to plug this unnecessary bullshit? There are exhilarating MLB pennant races abound and America is infatuated with T.O.’s menstrual cycle. And I’m not even going to get into Drew Rosenhaus, who needs like a lifetime supply of Seasonal. We’re not all 13 anymore. Seriously. ANYWAY…There’s still a helluva team there. Brian Westbrook is more multifaceted than an Ipod-infused microwave. Jevon Kearse will get his freak on (God, I can’t believe I went there. I feel like such a follower. I don’t like EMO. Fuck buying clothes at Walmart.) Brian Dawkins still gives receivers the crabapple-mcnasties, word to MAD TV circa 1995. Actually, I wouldn’t mind Dawkins giving it to T.O. during practice one day, turning this McNabb proclaimed soap opera into “General Hospital.” But that won’t happen and the Iggle soapie—award for the most mindless drama during pigskin programming—will go all 8 mile on us in January. Can’t you just see it, “I’m Michelle Tafoya, coming live to you from the Eagle locker room. It’s about an hour before the big game kicks off and Donovan is clipping T.O.’s fingernails. Al, it’s truly amazing how far these two have come!”
*New York Giants (8-8) – The maturation of Eli Manning continues. Plaxico Burress adds another weapon to go with Amani Toomer and Jeremy Shockey. (Anyone else think it was hilarious that Shockey ended up with a 666 receiving yards last season? Satan is blond!) If those three live up to their potential, Tom Coughlin might have his army thinking playoffs. Michael Strahan is back from injury, anchoring a decent defense. Shout out to my main man Ryan Grant, the fiercest competitor I’ve ever shared a court with, who is trying to make the team as the 4th running back. Soak up all the Tiki you can, keep being a sponge and things will work out. I’m going to be stupid and say the Giants are this year’s lucky 8-8 NFC team to make the playoffs.
Dallas Cowboys (7-9) – You wonder how The Tuna gets up and goes to work everyday. What makes the man with health problems and a great track record feel like he needs to resurrect Drew Bledose’s career? Great coaches need challenges. And with Keyshwan and Terry Glenn aging, it’s going to be tough. There’s no great back to place the burden on in Big D. Julius Jones had a few good games last year, but is overrated. Actually, I’m just still pissed that he took Ryan’s job at Norte Dame two years ago. Regardless, this squad isn’t very good and some heated press conferences are going to be all the rage, pun intended, in Big D. Washington
Redskins (6-10) – Wasted talent galore last season. The Skins look tofinally turn a new page, hoping to get the most out of Clinton Portis and Patrick Ramsey. Santana Moss will complain less than Laverneus Coles. The D is still pretty stacked. But really, Joe Gibbs should just race cars because the Skins need an extreme makeover. Talent alone doesn’t win jack in the NFL. If that was the case, the Skins and Saints would be perennial contenders.
NFC North
Minnesota Vikings (9-7) – The Vikings are less Randy than Austin Powers after he lost his mojo. And, amazingly, that’s not even that problematic. Watch Daunte Culpepper spread the ball with ease. He’ll put it down and take it himself with more frequency and success, as well. Nate Burelson, welcome to the limelight. Did you even know it existed while Randy was here? The secondary is a force, led by new acquisition Fred Smoot and Antoine Winfield. Nine wins is enough in the weak Norris. A healthy Michael Bennett is key.
Detroit Lions (8-8) – Joey Harrington and Jeff Garcia get fight for the right to throw to a plethora of uber-talented young receivers. Rookie Mike Williams should show no ill-effects from his year off and Roy Williams will continue to dazzle. Charles Rogers, when healthy, is slept on. Second year tailback Kevin Jones should benefit from the offensive ability that defines their passing game. R.W. McQuarters and Dre Bly are standout corners on a defense that lacks the ability to push the Lions to the playoffs. At least they should have good seats to the SuperBowl.
Green Bay Packers (7-9) – D-Lineman Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila is a sack party. Opposing QB’s and O-Lineman are welcome to watch him celebrate. Aside from his presence, everything else seems older at Lambeau…because, well, it is. Once healthy cheese is now turning moldy, though we should still admire Brett Favre for continuing to throw rockets despite numerous health hazards.
Chicago Bears (5-11) – The addition of Muhsin Muhammad and a relatively light schedule will net them a few wins. Rex isn’t in effect after breaking his ankle in the pre-season, which means Chad Hutchinson, who is the answer to nothing, takes the helm. Look for a few exciting moments from RB Cedric Benson—that is when opposing defenses don’t stack 8 in the box because Hutch doesn’t scare anybody. If Hutch got Starsky and Huggy Bear to man a weak offensive line, they might win the SnooperBowl. That’s right, I went there.
NFC South
Atlanta Falcons (13-3) – Michael Vick has another year under his belt and that’s just trouble for anyone who is going to try and stop him. Michael Jenkins looks poised to break out after stepping ahead of Peerless Price on the depth chart. Alge Crumpler continues to be a pass catching vacuum. CB Deangelo Hall should really shine in his first full season of receiver lockdown. Keith Brooking is the rock that holds the defense together and he should be just as solid this season, 5th straight Pro Bowl type solid. Look for these birds to prey on the NFC all the way to a title game rematch with some other birds of prey.
*Carolina Panthers (11-5) – Julius Peppers is just amazing. He’ll win them a game or two by himself. As much as the phrase “making plays” is the most overrated linguistic “footballism” EVER, Peppers is one of those guys who makes it acceptable to hear [pick your least favorite broadcaster] ramble on about “football is about making plays” without saying anything specific. Peppers, Ray Lewis, Ed Reed are the only guys in that category. I don’t wanna hear about anybody else “making plays because he’s a great player.” Jake Delhomme is a survivor, and he’ll deal adequately with the loss of Muhammad. Deshaun Foster will open some eyes, possibly in the postseason, a place the Panthers should find themselves as long as they don’t lose the first part of the season to injuries again.
New Orleans Saints (8-8) – If you’ve written a Saints preview, you’ve written a thousand Saints previews.
Mediocrity (Webster’s version)–
1. The state or quality of being mediocre. Example: New Orleans Saints franchise.
2. Mediocre ability, achievement, or performance. Example: Late season swoon in New Orleans.
3. One that displays mediocre qualities. Example: Aaron Brooks, Deuce McAllister, Joe “can you hear my ego now?” Horn when placed in a situation filled with pressure.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12) – Sweet stadium. Note to Derrick Brooks: get traded. Since you won’t be winning anything, could you guys find Doc Gooden for me please? I need to talk to him. Thanks.
NFC West (I can’t convey how disappointing it is write almost an entire NFL preview and then come to the NFC West at the end. I’m really sad right now.)
St. Louis Rams (10-6) – Talk about taking advantage of a crappy division. Did the Rams really make the second round of the playoffs last year? The Falcons essentially got two byes and then the Eagles. Steven Jackson will take over for Marshall Faulk and do a good job. The offense will continue to roll, but won’t even come close to approaching “The Greatest Show on Turf” levels. Lenard Little and Bryce Fisher are better than the rest of the defense indicates. And Pisa Tinoisamoa led the team in tackles. I didn’t know Italian paintings hit hard either.
Seattle Seahawks (8-8) – Shaun Alexander is another victim of Running Back marginalization. If you keep telling me that Matt Hasselback is your fantasy quarterback, I will stop being friends with you. (You know who you are. Actually, about 67 people are worried I’m not going to be friends with them anymore, which amazing because I only have like 12 friends.) Nobody is making the same mistake by picking the Seahawks again this year to be a sleeper team. Seattle is NFL purgatory.
Arizona Cardinals (5-11) – Can the NFL keep J.J. Arrington, Larry Fitzgerald, and Anquan Boldin and send the rest of the team to NFL Europe? (How fun would it be to throw those 3 guys on the Redskins and watch them still miss the playoffs?) I mean, Rick Reilly already devoted an entire column to the Cards. Would you show up at a party after getting an acid facial?
San Francisco 49ers (3-13) – R.I.P. Thomas Herroin. Good luck Alex Smith. You’ll need it. Yeah, the Niners pretty much suck.
NFC Chip: Eagles over Falcons
AFC Chip: Colts over Jets
AFC MVP: LaDanian Tomlinson
NFC MVP: Donovan McNabb
Deee-troit FOOTBALL – Colts over Eagles
Snooperbowl: Long Beach 12 year olds over Bears
(Note: I’m sure all of these picks are going to be way off.)
After Jake sent this to me, he asked me what my Super Bowl prediction was. After thinking about it, I went with New England-Minnesota. If you read the Sports Guy, you're familiar with the Peyton Manning Face and the Ewing Theory.
As I said, that was my fifteen second take on it. It can't possibly be any more wrong than that time freshman year where I spent two hours writing up an email with in depth baseball playoff predictions (I'm talking analyzing each matchup, down to the World Series) and end of season awards, only to have my computer die and lose it.
Maybe it was for the best, seeing as how if I remember correctly, every single pick was wrong.
In any event, it should be fun to look back at this in January. Or maybe not.
posted by Black Charles at 11:40 PM
2 Comments:
i figure it's the game just going off on g-unit over the 'crack music' instrumental.
same as the 'don't body yourself' remix as well. a bit of the nas verse, then the game just jumping on the beat. have you heard 'don't body yourself' yet?
i figure it's the game just going off on g-unit over the 'crack music' instrumental.
same as the 'don't body yourself' remix as well. a bit of the nas verse, then the game just jumping on the beat. have you heard 'don't body yourself' yet?
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