Taking Stock of the AFC

So yes, as promised yesterday, I bring to you the first guest post in Mental Sword Fighting history!

And who, you may find yourselves asking, is deserving of such an honor? Why, none other than my good buddy Jake Appleman! Jake is a buddy from mine from college, and a good dude. Even though he's a Jet fan, I still hang around with him (probably because he shares my intense obsession with the New York Mets and hating the New York Yankees). He has written for SLAM magazine and The Links on slamonline.com, covering the Cleveland Cavaliers. He's been in the locker room, he's spoken to LeBron, he's asked Kenyon Martin if he's aware of the college that bears his name (good ol' alma mater!). He's bonafide.

Except he's not writing about basketball (I wanted him to do a guest post for the NBA Finals or something, but real finals prohibited him from doing that). He's writing about football. A sport, short of a disasterous stint covering the godawful Kenyon Lords football team for two years, he has no credentials in. Which is just as well, seeing as how if I wanted to read about basketball, I'd just read The Links or Free Darko, they do it better anyway (Just playin' Jake!). But let's not let that bother us, shall we?

Anywho, completely out of the blue, Jake decided to write a nearly 4,000 word preview of the upcoming NFL season, and I am more than happy to present it to you here (cuz let's be honest, I sure as hell wasn't getting around to it). So, being that Jake understands the Slam-style, I'm gonna bite their flavor-- Jake's in bold, I'm in normal color. AFC today, NFC and predictions tomorrow. I'm turning it over to Jake...

AFC East

New England Patriots (12-4) – Just how essential are Coordinators to a team’ssuccess? We’re about to find out, with the departures of Charlie Weiss (NotreDame) and Romeo Cronell (Browns). Belicheck is still there, as areall of the key parts, save Teddy Bruschi. Tom Brady is still clutch, DeionBranch still has the opportunity to shine for a full season, Rodney Harrison still has the ability to send any receiver to the E.R., Mike Vrabel is still a secret weapon (“Hey, Vrabel’s in at tight end on the goal line. He’s probably just a decoy. NOOOO!” Sound familiar?), Corey Dillon still loves winning, and the Pats still play and win as a team. But asking for four out of five is just getting greedy, especially after a regular season in one of football’s most dangerous divisions.*

New York Jets (12-4) – The J-E-T-S, JETS, JETS, JETS have every reason to beoptimistic about their chances this season. The defense is beastly. JonathonVilma “I’m home!” looks to improve on his stellar rookie campaign. New addition Ty Law solidifies the secondary. John Abraham and Shaun Ellis will continue toterrorize opposing quarterbacks. On the other side of the ball, Chad Penningtonappears to be healthy. Dumbo (it’s like the ears keep growing!) has his favoritetarget back in Laveraneus Coles. Curtis Martin, coming off a career year, runs (well) behind a solid front five. The Jets even have a new kicker, exiling DougBrien after his blown field goals in Pittsburgh broke more hearts than JohnKerry—OK, almost as many hearts. Ohio’s prodigal right leg, belonging to the body of Mike Nugent, was drafted extremely high just to make sure disaster doesn’t strike again. Did I mention that Paul Hackett, the offensive coordinator who cost the Jets at least two games a year because his play calling was more conservative than Bush, is gone? To keep with the political theme; this team is a campaign contender, but probably more of a Dennis Kucinich than a John Kerry.

Buffalo Bills (9-7) – You would think a team with a coach whose last name is Mularkey and a QB whose last name is one “e” away from being Loseman would be considered a joke. However, the opposite is true in Orchard Park. Willis McGahee is developing into the truth. You may see him in anti-smoking ad campaigns soon. Eric Moulds, Lee Evans, and Josh Reed are a tremendous trio; a group that Bills fans hope will help the maturation of young J.P. Nate Clements, Takeo Spikes, and London Fletcher anchor a solid defense that has the potential to be downright scary.

Miami Dolphins (3-13) – Ricky Williams went all Rule of the Bone on us, searching for Jah and shit during his year off. He came back to camp skinny, fast, and reportedly, still smelly. At the moment, I’m not sure who their quarterback is (is anyone?)but I do know that Jason Taylor has a nice house. Thanks MTV Cribs. Poor Nick Saban didn’t know what he was getting himself into.

AFC Central

Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6) – 15-1 is not happening again. Now that we moveforward from the ‘duh’ portion of this preview, it’s important to realize whatthe Steelers need to do to stay successful. Porter, Farrior, Hope, Townsend, Polamalu the awesome, and co. need to keep up the relentless pressure. To keepthe Roethlisberger in taste, Ben needs to keep slinging mustard, but do morewith ketchup (that’d be Hines, as in Ward) due to the loss of Plaxico Burress.The problem maintaining may come from the backfield where the Bus is a yearolder and Duce is dropping off. (Was that a poop joke about a Pittsburgh Steeler? Can you tell I’m a Jet fan? No, I’m not bitter.)*

Baltimore Ravens (10-6) – Strong Safety Ed Reed is omnipresent, simply the bestdefender in the league. Ray Lewis might just kill you. (Stop and think aboutthat. Stop and think about the fact that Ray Lewis might kill you one day. Good. That’s better.) The O-line is sturdy. Jamal Lewis runs through traffic (and traffick) so seamlessly that the gridiron might magically turn into the courtroom again. Deion Sanders is now agrandfather—the inconceivably successful form of Prime Time self promotion thathe fathered in the early 90’s has given birth to a spoiled, yet surprisingly intelligent little bitch: T.O, already in diapers. Question: Contenders? Answer: Um, Kyle Boller. Brian Billick unfortunately still believes that because Trent Dilfer did it, it’s worth trying for again with a scrub. Even Zack Braff will tell you that you don’t get that lucky twice, regardless of what Derrick Mason and Mark Clayton are making pundits think.

Cincinnati Bengals (6-10) - Carson Palmer will continue to impress, but the realdeal is egomaniacal receiver Chad Johnson. Look for that combo to post goodfantasy stats, but the D will continue to bungle away any playoff chances.Palmer also has the delightful opportunity to look the way of T.J. Houshmandzadeh [pronounced Hoosh-Men-Zay-Da], nomenclature’s greatest success. An aside: Can Nike please start marketing all purpose kicks under a new Swooshmandzadeh line? Who wouldn’t rock those Bengali colored joints that would look like they’d claw the crap out of all predators (or secondaries)?

Cleveland Browns (5-11) – Romeo, Oh Romeo, thou art on yonder sidelines. If thisnow makes the Browns the Montagues, let’s just realize that there’s an entire division waiting to bust Capulets in thee collective Dawg Pound ass. The death of young Winslowlio will continue to haunt—a thousand plagues on your Erie House—the young men of Veron...er, Cleveland. (Mixing Ebonics with Shakespeare is always fun. Example #2 that relates to Kellen Winslow because you can never have too much fun at his expense: All the league is a stage and “I am thy soldier” hath not kept it crunk thus far. G.I. Winslow doth remind me of somebody mad toolshed—yes I’m on a life mission to make “mad toolshed” part of everyday urban vernacular. Hate me now.) Memo to Braylon Edwards: you’re in the wrong state, homie. Receivers and Michiganders belong in Detroit. Shakespeare and Ebionics? I wish I had thought of that... that was just incredible.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts (13-3) – Jay Z bought Def Jam. So what is Peyton Manninggoing to do for an encore? Edgerin James is whining; dude claims he has morepotassium than the average third banana, and he’s probably right. But it’s justhis bad luck that he’s playing in the era of the receiver (and Marvin Harrison); an era when Running Backs have become marginalized like third world rebels in a country run by a dictator. The real question is whether or not there’s enough juice in the Dwight Freeney sack parade to produce homefield advantage and a SuperBowl parade. An even more interesting question is whether or not the “city” of Indianapolis has enough square blocks to do the parade justice when the Colts win.

Jacksonville Jaguars (8-8) – The Jags seemed like a shoe-in for the playoffsearly on, but their inexperience ended up getting the best of them. Jack DelRio’s squad is looking to improve on last year’s strides, with a tough-as-nailsD leading the way. Stud QB Byron Leftwich has ageless wideout Jimmy Smith, butit’s the backfield, more specifically Fred Taylor’s groin, that will pull theJags out of the playoff hunt.

Houston Texans (6-10) – When he’s not eating cleat-ravaged sod, David Carr hasbeen pretty good, throwing tight spirals and whizzing bullets to his toptarget, the acrobatic Andre Johnson. Dominick Davis runs the ball withefficiency. The defense doesn’t scare anybody, although lurking cornerbackDunta Robinson might. Contenders will still easily be able to mess with Texas.

Tennessee Titans (3-13) - Not Good: the team. Amazing: Cornerback Pacman Joneswas the team’s first pick in the draft. Let’s see how well he eats up receivers. With the aforementioned Harrison, Smith, and Johnson in the division, one would think it’s game-over for the young rookie. Trying to compensate for the loss of Samori Rolle, Pacman will need more time working with quarters, nickels, and dimes before he’s truly ready.

AFC West

San Diego Chargers (10-6) – Most football fans thought they’d been bolted bylightening when they realized how good the Chargers were last year. They’ll beback and to be reckoned with (kind of); any team with LaDanian Tomlinson and animproving cast of characters is dangerous. The Chargers are good enough foranother division crown, but between Antonio Gates holding out, Drew Breeslooking over his shoulder, and Marty Schotenheimer in a playoff game, playoffsis all you’re going to get.

Kansas City Chiefs (9-7) – The Chiefs set themselves up for a freefall lastseason. After a 13-3 season that saw many offensive records shattered, the barwas set so high that not even tight end Tony Gonzalez could dunk a footballthrough it. Priest Holmes’ strained MCL only lessened the hope for a teamtrying to cope with their obvious lack of defense. The defense isn’t anybetter, but the Priest is back in the cathedral known as Arrowhead, and thatshould be enough for slight improvement. Regardless, it’s a sad day when DanteHall is no longer the Gatorade commercial that he used to be. Oh, and TrentGreen something something something.

Denver Broncos (8-8) – Ashley Lelie and Rod Smith give unpredictable andinconsistent signal caller Jake Plummer some options. Every year a new playersteps into and runs to glory in the altitude. 2005 should be no different, although it would be a bit much to expect that guy to be Maurice Clarett this year (Especially since he's about to get cut, the bastard - Dan). The Broncos downfall will be their defensive line’s eerie resemblance to the 2003 Browns, with the exception of Trevor Pryce, who missed 14 games last year with an ACL injury. Hopefully, stalwart second-year linebacker D.J. Williams will be able to hit hard enough to mitigate the mess.

Oakland Raiders (7-9) – It’s not whether or not these silver and black pirateswill find any booty. It’s whether they’ll find it at the strip club or the football field. And will Al Davis be there? Just kidding, Al, please don’t fire me. Not that I’m working for you, but I’m sure you could find a way. Randy Moss admitted to getting high. Good for him. He’ll find plenty of greenery in Oak-town. Who cares? He’s in camp, as is Warren Sapp, who surprisingly hasn’t ruined Jon Gruden’s career yet. Jerry Porter and newly-acquired Lamont Jordan will help the offense put up some serious digits, although Kerry Collins will make sure those digits aren’t too gaudy. But will the defense back that ass up? Eish.

Remember, all that stuff in bold is from the mind of one Fitzjacob "LB" Appleman, so if you wanna hate, he's the one to hate. But, should you find yourself with the desire to hunt him down and inflict bodily harm upon him (not really sure why you would, but hey, just throwing it out there), you better be quick, cuz he's jetting off to Spain in the coming days.

But not before he gives us his NFC preview and his selections for who takes the AFC and NFC chips along with the whole fucking show, tomorrow. I know you can't wait...