The 2005 Award Show

Alrighty, I meant to do this last week, but a rough week at the old J-0-B forced me to turn what was originally planned as a one week music year in review extravaganza to two. Hell, you don't mind waiting, do you? Of course not. So now, we' re gonna get into some awards.

However, this is not your typical award post, like "Best Album," "Best Video," "Hottest Male/Female Rocker," and all that nonsense. Oh no.... this is quite another brand of nonsense, kids! My brand of nonsense! You'll soon see what I mean, so without further ado, let's get it into it!

The Kelly Clarkson "Since U Been Gone" Award
Given to the song that, even though you know it's tacky and you shouldn't listen to it, you can't get it out of your head. Some might refer to this as the "Guilty Pleasure."
And the winner is.... Rihanna, with "Pon De Replay."
Hell, I'll fuckin' admit it-- this was the jam of the summer, and even a jaded, cynical son of a bitch such as myself couldn't deny it. The first time I heard it, I thought to myself "Hey, that's kinda catchy." Soon, as I was driving miles and miles of highway on my frequent trips between DC and NYC, I was flipping through the radio dial, hopping to hear that bumping beat so I could do something resembling a dance that I'm sure caused any passing motorist who happened to glance at me to question whether I'd recently been released from a mental institution. Don't front-- you wanted to put your hands up to the ceiling and let the bass from the speakers run through your sneakers too.
Honorable mention(s): Ashlee Simpson, "Boyfriend," (much like "Since U Been Gone," a pop-rock song from some strumpet that really shoulda been a lot worse than it was-- heard it once, was in my head for a week); All-American Rejects, "Dirty Little Secret," (hey, it's catchy, and the video was kinda nifty-- even if they did bite this site. Hell, Tom Breihan picked it as his 15th best single of the year, so it can't be all bad, right? Right?
Never mind. Let's all forget I ever wrote this paragraph, ok? Moving on...

The "I Got Soul, But I'm Not A Soldier" Award
Named for my favorite line by The Killers, this award goes to the band that I think, given the right help, might just blow the fuck up a la The Killers in '06.
And the winner is.... We Are Scientists
I wrote about this band (and how I think they can blow up) last week with my 2005 Mixtape, and I really believe that these guys could be "The Next Big Thing." If rock radio wasn't busy killing itself off or switching formats to rap/salsa/talk, "Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt" could become a monster single a la "Mr. Brightside," and "Textbook" and "Lousy Reputation" (trafficking in the topic of dating a known slut) have been getting some heavy rotation round my way lately.

The "I Don't Have to Sell Coke To Get Signed By Jay-Z? Really?" Award
The companion award to the "I Got Soul, But I'm Not A Soldier" award, given to the hip hopper that, if there's any justice in the world, will blow the fuck up in '06.
And the winner is.... Lady Sovereign
Much like We Are Scientists, I extolled the virtues of Lady Sov ("This is the new singalong, S-0-V!") last week with the mixtape, and I'm back to do it somemore. Sure, someone that raps "like a chipmunk on Robitusin" might not be the easiest sell on this side of the pond (hell, finding an audience for British MCs of any sound, size, or shape over here is hard-- see the examples of Roots Manuva and The Streets for two), but I'd imagine Jay-Z didn't sign her to lose money. And Jigga doesn't sign wack artists (Memphis Bleek excepted).

(And yes, the title of this award is a jab at Young Jeezy. He has to be the first rapper in history that gets more critical props for his ad-libs than for his actual lyrics. Way to go buddy-- you can chant "Yeeeah!" with authority. As a Clipse fan, I don't care that all your lyrics talk about pushing coke-- but at least make 'em witty, bro. I'm sorry, but I really don't get the whole Young Jeezy explosion that went on this year.)

The "This Should Be An Album" Award
Given to the best mixtape of the year, for even though it wasn't an official album, lord knows it should have been.
And the winner is.... (guess.... seriously... guess).... Clipse, We Got It 4 Cheap 2
I know. You're stunned. But seriously.... Pharrell needs to stop hanging with Gwen Stefani and do something to get these dudes on a real record label. Fuck Zomba is the mantra, indeed. No one hit harder, either on the mixtapes or on bonafide wax in '05 than the grand wizards of the almighty blizzard.
Honorable mention: The Diplomats, Memorial Day Mixtape

The "Are You Fucking Retarted?" Award
Kinda self explanatory here....
And the winner is... Tony Yayo, for his bizarre hands in front of the face wave thing he does in all his videos. Uhm.... T, are you fucking retarted? Snort too much of your namesake? Because seriously... what the fuck is that? And who told you that was a good look? You look like an epileptic on crack.

The "Ok, I Submit. You Win" Award
Given to a band that I had resisted for a long, long time, yet finally broke me down in '05.
And the winner is.... Franz Ferdinand.
For a long time, I hated Franz Ferdinand. I thought they were dumb, pretentious assholes. I couldn't get what everyone seemed to see in them-- I've had numerous people try and sing me the praises of Franz Ferdinand over the last couple of years, and I wasn't trying to hear it. That is, until they dropped "Do You Want To," a warm and fuzzy nugget of power-pop rock goodness, and I was forced to submit. I haven't heard anything else from the album, and frankly, I don't care to. All I need is this one song, hokey 19 second intro and all, and that's enough Franzia for me. But you win, Franz Ferdinand, ok? I no longer wish a bullet to pass through the back of your heads, in the vein of your Austrian historical namesake. I submit.

Ok, so that's pretty much all I got for right now. Feel free to add your own ideas in the comments section. My rundown of the best albums of the year (hopefully) coming later this week.