Bomb First (My Reply)
In honor of the mini-spat that is going on in the comments section between my brother Ben and my soon to be co-worker Maya (she of the incessant smiling, suggestive or otherwise, and repeatedly declarations of her own cuteness-- while it's kinda not cool to big up yourself, I must admit, that Maya is indeed cute-- keep throwin' those suggestive smiles my way, shorty, and it might have to stop being "suggestive," nah mean? Anywho...) I had to title this post in homage to 2Pac. Because, ya know, I read these posts, and the first thing that comes to mind, obviously, is Death Row-Bad Boy/Biggie-Tupac of the late 90's. Can you see it...
You've got readers (all 12 of you) choosing sides, some staunchly against Ben's "It's the 1950's all over again, ain't you heard, bitch?" manifesto of comment 19, some supporting Ben in his effort to set the clock back, others drawn in simply because of Maya's aforementioned feminine charms, family relations being strained... all the makings of a good beef. We cut to...
MTV NEWS with Sway
"The blogosphere was shook up today when beef exploded on formerly little-read blog Mental Sword Fighting as a simple discussion on, of all things, an economics paper, turned nasty. What started out as innocently as a bored college student and a jaded finance professional engaged in "commenting," a common form of blog discussion, has now turned heated. Verbals bombs have been thrown, and the gauntlet has been thrown down. We hit the streets to get the people's reaction.
Nick, 17: "Yo, I'm rollin' wit Maya, for realz. Shorty keeps it gangsta, nowwhati'msayin? And yo, shorty is niiice! You seen pics of that girl? HOT DAMN! I wouldn't mind doin' a lil commentin' wit her, nah mean? Holla!"
Chris, 23: "Seriously, that Maya girl is trippin'. I'm standin' loud and proud for my man B, that guy speaks the truth. Maya thinks she's nice with hers, and she's all big cuz she got this finance job, but she need to recognize, she ain't shit. I'm like, bitch, make me a corndog!"
Christine, 27: "I find Ben's attitude distressing, to say the least. He exemplifies the typical neanderthal male behavior, one which should have been swept out with the Eisenhower administration yet persists to this day. Ben, like most males, is obviously threatened by a woman in a position of power, and seeks to over come his own inadequacies with stereotypical behavior and generalizations on a woman's place in the world. He needs to admit that the problem is with himself, and get into the 21st century. However, Maya herself needs to take steps to empower herself. She cannot sit back and rely on her feminine virtues, for that only plays into the hands of typical male thinking. If she continues to throw herself out there, with that mischievious little smile, saying in effect 'Come get me, boys,' well, she can't be surprised with the reaction she elicits. She's got to recognize that this has become bigger than her and that she represents the American female. We've got to get the girl out of the cave and into the light."
Hot 97 with Angie Martinez
"Yo, what up New York? This is yo girl, Angie Ma, blastin' off here on Hot 97, ya heard! Alright yo, we got the new track from the newest MC in the game, B-Alpz, representin' Washington University- St. Louis in the house! Yo, kid's gonna do big things, he rips it nice! He'll be in the studio next week to holler at us, but right now, let's get into "Hit 'Em Up (Bitch, Economics Iz My Shiznit, Stick to Cookin'):
"Yo, Maya, bitch you crazy
My math leaves you feelin lazy
Two plus two equals four
The kitchen's over there, open the door
Leave your head confused and dazed
I like my doughnuts glazed
Get on that shit, get the pots and pans
Killin' more bitches than the Orkin man
I hit 'em up!
In the Lab with DJ Green Lantern
"Yo yo, what's good New York? It's the Evil Genius, Green Lantern. Hustla's hotline is in full effect, and right now, we got my homegirl, Skillz Shved on the line, hear to speak on her beef with B-Alpz. Yo Maya, what's good?"
"You know how I do, Green. Just kickin' it with my crew, blazin' bunts, drinkin' 40's, servin' these fools lyrically. Basically, same shit, different day."
"True indeed, true indeed. So yo, I heard you got an exclusive joint you wanna drop, right here In the Lab."
"Oh, true indeed. You know you got the streets locked, I had to come to the Evil Genius and air it out, nah mean?"
"No doubt. So what you got for us?"
"The track is called "Money Stacks (I Know Finance, And You Ain't It)." It's produced by Ant from Atmosphere, it's real hard, I had to get that Midwestern feel to it. Had to hit that bitch B-Alpz where he lives, nah mean?"
"Ooooh, this girl is gangsta! Let's get into it!"
"Yo, B-Alpz, you a rookie in this game
I been servin kids since before the fame
There's two things I know: my sexy ass, and money
And you ain't got neither
You burnin' up, feel like you got the fever
Cuz I'm killin' em out here, they needin' first aid
Wreckin' fools from Manhattan to Miami-Dade
I bring the heat, spittin' the true facts
Cuz I got the big ass money stack
Fuck the skillet, I'm servin' you with the gat"
For Immediate Release, Tha Row Records
Having recently been released from prison for the 14th time, Suge Knight, CEO of Tha Row Records, has announced that his label has signed one of the hottest underground rhymespitters, B-Alpz.
"We're real excited to have B-Alpz on the roster, he's gonna take Tha Row back to the top. He's the nicest white boy with the pen and pad to come thru since Eminem, and he wanted to fuck with a real gangsta, so he came to the best. I mean, he's got this little beef with that crazy crack head bitch Skilz Shved, but that ain't nuttin'. He came to the right place to handle that shit. I mean, I know beef. I've stomped motherfuckers heads in! I had Tupac killed! Shit's about to get real ugly for anyone who ain't down with Tha Row and B-Alpz. Y'all been put on notice. He's baaaaaack..."
DJ Kay Slay, The Drama King
"Yo, yo, yo, it's the Drama King in the building, you know how we do, I'm causin' problems, takin' food outta people's mouth, stirrin' up that trouble. And I got a new exclusive for ya from the hottest lil' troublemaker in the game, Skillz Shved! That's right, y'all thought Lil' Kim was dope, y'all thought that Foxxy had it on lock, y'all thought that Trina was the baddest bitch-- Dead that. This bitch is on some other shit-- peep how she rocks my man Biggie's tracks on "Who Shot Ya (I Ain't Scared)". Ya heard! Drama King is in the mothafuckin' building, I'm real focused, get at me!
"Yo, B-Alpz, I heard you down with Tha Row
That's cute, bout to be Suge's new lil' hoe
Cuz you know you can't fuck with this flow
You too busy starin' at my tits
To notice me slicin' you into little bits
You might think I'm cute, smilin' all nice
You gotta understand, rhymin's my only vice
I fucked you up, laid you flat on your back
When I come through with this Mack
And I ain't talkin' bout lipstick
Stop riding your boyfriends dick."
MTV News with Kurt Loder
"The ongoing blog war turned rap war, which oddly begun over an innocuous economics paper, took another scary turn today when B-Alpz showed up at The Options Group, where Skillz Shved plies her much discussed finance career. B-Alpz barged through the door with his crew, refusing to listen to the pleas of receptionist Anastacia that "All visitors must sign in!" and made his way to the conference room, interrupting an important meeting by clamoring on top of the table and issuing an ultimatum.
B-Alpz: "What, Options Group ain't got no love for B-Alpz? Y'all ain't got no love for Tha Row? Well, I see how it is, then fuck you too! We ain't got no love for Options Group! Back in the kitchen with all you bitches!"
"Long time observers of hip hop have begun to get extremely worried, as this act by B-Alpz mirrors the exact movements of Snoop Doggy Dogg at the '94 Source Awards, widely noted as a precursor to the East Coast-West Coast violence that claimed the lives of Tupac and the Notorious B.I.G. "
Michael Eric Dyson, professor: You can definitely see the influence of Suge Knight and Tha Row records on B-Alpz with today's display. He's clearly taking the lessons of Suge Knight to heart. All one has to do is look at Billboard to see that B-Alpz's album, The Only Thing I Cook is Crack, is #1, to realize that it hasn't hurt his wallet. But I fear that actions like this will only increase the tension and lead to a tragic, violent conclusion.
"In an attempt to stave off just that type of action, media whores Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have offered their services as mediators in this rapidly escalating feud, hoping to bring a peaceful end to this epic confrontation. In other news, how do I still have a job? And can anyone get me some cheap botox? Kurt Loder, signing off, for MTV News."
ABC News With Peter Jennings
The worst fears of Hip Hop Nation have been confirmed: We have reports out of Las Vegas that Suge Knight, head of Tha Row Records and cheif supporter of rapper B-Alpz in his bitter battle with sexy rhymestress Skills Shved, has been shot and killed. Knight was on his way to a party after leaving a fight at Las Vegas' Caesars Palace, when a car pulled up alongside and opened fire, hitting Knight, who was in the passenger seat at the time, several times. Knight was rushed to the UNLV Medical Center, where he was pronounced dead on arrival. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have expressed dismay about the killing, as they were hoping to bring a peaceful solution. Both expressed a desire to see the killing end here. However, rapper P Dizzle, when reached for comment, had a different take.
P Dizzle: "Yo, what up, it's your boy Sean, a/k/a/ Puffy, a/k/a/ P. Diddy, a/k/a/ Diddle My Wang, a/k/a/ P Dizzle, and I'd just like to say, while it's always sad when a black man dies at the hand of another black man, let's be real. This nigga here, Suge Knight, killed Tupac! The man was a legend, and this nigga killed him, for reals! This nigga is the reason my man Biggie ain't here! Fuck that, I'd spit on his grave!"
Rapper P Dizzle, showing absolutely no respect for the dead. We can only hope that this is the last tragedy that befalls the Hip Hop Nation, and that cooler heads will prevail.
For Immediate Release, Bad Boy Records
P. Dizzle, head of Bad Boy Records, is pleased to announce that he has done what no one else in the Hip Hop Community could do, what even Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson couldn't do, and put an end to the beef between Bad Boy artist Skillz Shved and former Tha Row artist B-Alpz and his crew the Majah Economicz Playaz.
"Ya know, with Suge's untimely passing, I just realized that the man was crazy. I mean, truly fucking crazy. He was gonna get me shot over what, some fucking economics bullshit? That's just stupid y'all. For reals, I'd rather chill in the crib, throw some shade at my girl Maya here, make good music, and stack my money. I'm happy to be out of a bad situation and into a much better one, for realz" B-Alpz announced.
Skillz Shved also expressed pleasure with the deal. "I just realized that Ben's a good kid, and we got caught up in some drama that we shouldn't have. I mean, this shit started on a blog, on Mental Sword Fighting, and we forgot the "mental" part. It wasn't supposed to be no beef, it was supposed to be all love. But we almost took it to the streets and got out the samurai swords, and that shit's not cool. I'm happy we could bring B-Alpz and the Majah Economicz Playaz over to Bad Boy, it's gonna be fun."
P Dizzle is pleased to announce that B-Alpz and Skillz Shved will be hitting the studio within the next week to record a historic collaboration album, Cookin' Up Major Money, which is sure to be a hot seller. Songs will include "Money (We Both Got It, So Let's Fuck)," "Who's Cooking Tonight? (Fuck It, Let's Get Take Out)," "That Smile Ain't Suggestive Anymo'," "Mel Kiper, Jr. Ain't Got Shit On Me (The NFL Draft Wizard)," among others.
"Watch out for Cookin' Up Major Money, that's gonna be a banger, ya heard? Bad Boy Records, takin' over in the '06, bitches! As we proceed to give you what you need, Bad Boy muthafucka!" P. Dizzle happily declared.
P.S. I'm still interested in any and all opinions on the NFL Draft paper, be it from Maya, Ben, anonymous J, or anyone else that would like to chime in. I'm curious to see what you guys come up with. And, if anyone's curious, I'm still gonna be spending the draft the way I always planned: getting drunk, waiting for the Vikins to screw up like they do every year, and making fun of Mel Kiper Jr.'s immaculately coiffed hair.
You've got readers (all 12 of you) choosing sides, some staunchly against Ben's "It's the 1950's all over again, ain't you heard, bitch?" manifesto of comment 19, some supporting Ben in his effort to set the clock back, others drawn in simply because of Maya's aforementioned feminine charms, family relations being strained... all the makings of a good beef. We cut to...
MTV NEWS with Sway
"The blogosphere was shook up today when beef exploded on formerly little-read blog Mental Sword Fighting as a simple discussion on, of all things, an economics paper, turned nasty. What started out as innocently as a bored college student and a jaded finance professional engaged in "commenting," a common form of blog discussion, has now turned heated. Verbals bombs have been thrown, and the gauntlet has been thrown down. We hit the streets to get the people's reaction.
Nick, 17: "Yo, I'm rollin' wit Maya, for realz. Shorty keeps it gangsta, nowwhati'msayin? And yo, shorty is niiice! You seen pics of that girl? HOT DAMN! I wouldn't mind doin' a lil commentin' wit her, nah mean? Holla!"
Chris, 23: "Seriously, that Maya girl is trippin'. I'm standin' loud and proud for my man B, that guy speaks the truth. Maya thinks she's nice with hers, and she's all big cuz she got this finance job, but she need to recognize, she ain't shit. I'm like, bitch, make me a corndog!"
Christine, 27: "I find Ben's attitude distressing, to say the least. He exemplifies the typical neanderthal male behavior, one which should have been swept out with the Eisenhower administration yet persists to this day. Ben, like most males, is obviously threatened by a woman in a position of power, and seeks to over come his own inadequacies with stereotypical behavior and generalizations on a woman's place in the world. He needs to admit that the problem is with himself, and get into the 21st century. However, Maya herself needs to take steps to empower herself. She cannot sit back and rely on her feminine virtues, for that only plays into the hands of typical male thinking. If she continues to throw herself out there, with that mischievious little smile, saying in effect 'Come get me, boys,' well, she can't be surprised with the reaction she elicits. She's got to recognize that this has become bigger than her and that she represents the American female. We've got to get the girl out of the cave and into the light."
Hot 97 with Angie Martinez
"Yo, what up New York? This is yo girl, Angie Ma, blastin' off here on Hot 97, ya heard! Alright yo, we got the new track from the newest MC in the game, B-Alpz, representin' Washington University- St. Louis in the house! Yo, kid's gonna do big things, he rips it nice! He'll be in the studio next week to holler at us, but right now, let's get into "Hit 'Em Up (Bitch, Economics Iz My Shiznit, Stick to Cookin'):
"Yo, Maya, bitch you crazy
My math leaves you feelin lazy
Two plus two equals four
The kitchen's over there, open the door
Leave your head confused and dazed
I like my doughnuts glazed
Get on that shit, get the pots and pans
Killin' more bitches than the Orkin man
I hit 'em up!
In the Lab with DJ Green Lantern
"Yo yo, what's good New York? It's the Evil Genius, Green Lantern. Hustla's hotline is in full effect, and right now, we got my homegirl, Skillz Shved on the line, hear to speak on her beef with B-Alpz. Yo Maya, what's good?"
"You know how I do, Green. Just kickin' it with my crew, blazin' bunts, drinkin' 40's, servin' these fools lyrically. Basically, same shit, different day."
"True indeed, true indeed. So yo, I heard you got an exclusive joint you wanna drop, right here In the Lab."
"Oh, true indeed. You know you got the streets locked, I had to come to the Evil Genius and air it out, nah mean?"
"No doubt. So what you got for us?"
"The track is called "Money Stacks (I Know Finance, And You Ain't It)." It's produced by Ant from Atmosphere, it's real hard, I had to get that Midwestern feel to it. Had to hit that bitch B-Alpz where he lives, nah mean?"
"Ooooh, this girl is gangsta! Let's get into it!"
"Yo, B-Alpz, you a rookie in this game
I been servin kids since before the fame
There's two things I know: my sexy ass, and money
And you ain't got neither
You burnin' up, feel like you got the fever
Cuz I'm killin' em out here, they needin' first aid
Wreckin' fools from Manhattan to Miami-Dade
I bring the heat, spittin' the true facts
Cuz I got the big ass money stack
Fuck the skillet, I'm servin' you with the gat"
For Immediate Release, Tha Row Records
Having recently been released from prison for the 14th time, Suge Knight, CEO of Tha Row Records, has announced that his label has signed one of the hottest underground rhymespitters, B-Alpz.
"We're real excited to have B-Alpz on the roster, he's gonna take Tha Row back to the top. He's the nicest white boy with the pen and pad to come thru since Eminem, and he wanted to fuck with a real gangsta, so he came to the best. I mean, he's got this little beef with that crazy crack head bitch Skilz Shved, but that ain't nuttin'. He came to the right place to handle that shit. I mean, I know beef. I've stomped motherfuckers heads in! I had Tupac killed! Shit's about to get real ugly for anyone who ain't down with Tha Row and B-Alpz. Y'all been put on notice. He's baaaaaack..."
DJ Kay Slay, The Drama King
"Yo, yo, yo, it's the Drama King in the building, you know how we do, I'm causin' problems, takin' food outta people's mouth, stirrin' up that trouble. And I got a new exclusive for ya from the hottest lil' troublemaker in the game, Skillz Shved! That's right, y'all thought Lil' Kim was dope, y'all thought that Foxxy had it on lock, y'all thought that Trina was the baddest bitch-- Dead that. This bitch is on some other shit-- peep how she rocks my man Biggie's tracks on "Who Shot Ya (I Ain't Scared)". Ya heard! Drama King is in the mothafuckin' building, I'm real focused, get at me!
"Yo, B-Alpz, I heard you down with Tha Row
That's cute, bout to be Suge's new lil' hoe
Cuz you know you can't fuck with this flow
You too busy starin' at my tits
To notice me slicin' you into little bits
You might think I'm cute, smilin' all nice
You gotta understand, rhymin's my only vice
I fucked you up, laid you flat on your back
When I come through with this Mack
And I ain't talkin' bout lipstick
Stop riding your boyfriends dick."
MTV News with Kurt Loder
"The ongoing blog war turned rap war, which oddly begun over an innocuous economics paper, took another scary turn today when B-Alpz showed up at The Options Group, where Skillz Shved plies her much discussed finance career. B-Alpz barged through the door with his crew, refusing to listen to the pleas of receptionist Anastacia that "All visitors must sign in!" and made his way to the conference room, interrupting an important meeting by clamoring on top of the table and issuing an ultimatum.
B-Alpz: "What, Options Group ain't got no love for B-Alpz? Y'all ain't got no love for Tha Row? Well, I see how it is, then fuck you too! We ain't got no love for Options Group! Back in the kitchen with all you bitches!"
"Long time observers of hip hop have begun to get extremely worried, as this act by B-Alpz mirrors the exact movements of Snoop Doggy Dogg at the '94 Source Awards, widely noted as a precursor to the East Coast-West Coast violence that claimed the lives of Tupac and the Notorious B.I.G. "
Michael Eric Dyson, professor: You can definitely see the influence of Suge Knight and Tha Row records on B-Alpz with today's display. He's clearly taking the lessons of Suge Knight to heart. All one has to do is look at Billboard to see that B-Alpz's album, The Only Thing I Cook is Crack, is #1, to realize that it hasn't hurt his wallet. But I fear that actions like this will only increase the tension and lead to a tragic, violent conclusion.
"In an attempt to stave off just that type of action, media whores Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have offered their services as mediators in this rapidly escalating feud, hoping to bring a peaceful end to this epic confrontation. In other news, how do I still have a job? And can anyone get me some cheap botox? Kurt Loder, signing off, for MTV News."
ABC News With Peter Jennings
The worst fears of Hip Hop Nation have been confirmed: We have reports out of Las Vegas that Suge Knight, head of Tha Row Records and cheif supporter of rapper B-Alpz in his bitter battle with sexy rhymestress Skills Shved, has been shot and killed. Knight was on his way to a party after leaving a fight at Las Vegas' Caesars Palace, when a car pulled up alongside and opened fire, hitting Knight, who was in the passenger seat at the time, several times. Knight was rushed to the UNLV Medical Center, where he was pronounced dead on arrival. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson have expressed dismay about the killing, as they were hoping to bring a peaceful solution. Both expressed a desire to see the killing end here. However, rapper P Dizzle, when reached for comment, had a different take.
P Dizzle: "Yo, what up, it's your boy Sean, a/k/a/ Puffy, a/k/a/ P. Diddy, a/k/a/ Diddle My Wang, a/k/a/ P Dizzle, and I'd just like to say, while it's always sad when a black man dies at the hand of another black man, let's be real. This nigga here, Suge Knight, killed Tupac! The man was a legend, and this nigga killed him, for reals! This nigga is the reason my man Biggie ain't here! Fuck that, I'd spit on his grave!"
Rapper P Dizzle, showing absolutely no respect for the dead. We can only hope that this is the last tragedy that befalls the Hip Hop Nation, and that cooler heads will prevail.
For Immediate Release, Bad Boy Records
P. Dizzle, head of Bad Boy Records, is pleased to announce that he has done what no one else in the Hip Hop Community could do, what even Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson couldn't do, and put an end to the beef between Bad Boy artist Skillz Shved and former Tha Row artist B-Alpz and his crew the Majah Economicz Playaz.
"Ya know, with Suge's untimely passing, I just realized that the man was crazy. I mean, truly fucking crazy. He was gonna get me shot over what, some fucking economics bullshit? That's just stupid y'all. For reals, I'd rather chill in the crib, throw some shade at my girl Maya here, make good music, and stack my money. I'm happy to be out of a bad situation and into a much better one, for realz" B-Alpz announced.
Skillz Shved also expressed pleasure with the deal. "I just realized that Ben's a good kid, and we got caught up in some drama that we shouldn't have. I mean, this shit started on a blog, on Mental Sword Fighting, and we forgot the "mental" part. It wasn't supposed to be no beef, it was supposed to be all love. But we almost took it to the streets and got out the samurai swords, and that shit's not cool. I'm happy we could bring B-Alpz and the Majah Economicz Playaz over to Bad Boy, it's gonna be fun."
P Dizzle is pleased to announce that B-Alpz and Skillz Shved will be hitting the studio within the next week to record a historic collaboration album, Cookin' Up Major Money, which is sure to be a hot seller. Songs will include "Money (We Both Got It, So Let's Fuck)," "Who's Cooking Tonight? (Fuck It, Let's Get Take Out)," "That Smile Ain't Suggestive Anymo'," "Mel Kiper, Jr. Ain't Got Shit On Me (The NFL Draft Wizard)," among others.
"Watch out for Cookin' Up Major Money, that's gonna be a banger, ya heard? Bad Boy Records, takin' over in the '06, bitches! As we proceed to give you what you need, Bad Boy muthafucka!" P. Dizzle happily declared.
P.S. I'm still interested in any and all opinions on the NFL Draft paper, be it from Maya, Ben, anonymous J, or anyone else that would like to chime in. I'm curious to see what you guys come up with. And, if anyone's curious, I'm still gonna be spending the draft the way I always planned: getting drunk, waiting for the Vikins to screw up like they do every year, and making fun of Mel Kiper Jr.'s immaculately coiffed hair.
posted by Black Charles at 9:57 AM
2 Comments:
Dear Alp Daddy!
you are indeed a brilliant mind, maybe one day you and i will be married with many babies, and then your brother, my scornful nemesis will have no other choice but to like me :) untill then, i guess, we will stick to our alter ego's, myself as Skillz Shved, and your Bro B-Alpz in our racially and socially fueled Gangzta feud! Like modern day Montague's and Capulet's we strive to uphold a level of integrity and honor till the death! our mental swords have crossed, there is no turning back.
I beseech you my friend,
for my words are all i have.
-M
Dear Skillz,
Please, oh please, do not tease with your talk of babymaking, for in my hood, that is a serious subject and not to be triffled with. You either come with the real or you fake the funk, there is no in between.
I love the fact that you went all Shakespearean on that ass. You continue to take this blog in many, many directions.
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